I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
