Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
