I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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