i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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