So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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