i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
