whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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