Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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