I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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