I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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