I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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