I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
