i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
