At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
