the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
