girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
