What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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