There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
