I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
