Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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