dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
