his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
