in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize