I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
