So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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