Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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