i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
