My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
