i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
