I am in a vortex of obligation.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
