I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
