So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
