apparently the secret to your success is patron
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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