I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
