don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
