I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
