Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
