Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
