Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
