Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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