I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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