I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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