This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
my poor anus
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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