I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
