just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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