Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
