I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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