sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
