my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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