Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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