based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
