he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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