rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
