he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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