From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
