If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
