i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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