So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
